Medieval England, You Crazy

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Medieval England is totally a hot spot in space-time. You may know its fantasy relatives from every book and video game. But it was totally real and you can learn about it at the library, just like your Student Council President buddy did.

Hey, I’m as surprised as you are. “P-Rez,” you all say, addressing me by just one of my freaky nicknames, “at the library? I didn’t know they let cool people in there! Were you temporarily homeless, or did you need to inexpensively Xerox something?” And then I completely ignore you until I write this blog post and close the circle.

I took out “Daily Life in Chaucer’s England”, that’s why I was there! And if I was back in 14th century England, I’d milk the hell out of some sheep.

"A drawing of sheep in a pen, laden with milk. The image is askew, almost as if the author of this post was kinda lazy.
These sheep wanna get MILKED.

There weren’t any elves, Witchers, or Groots in the book, but they’d probably give milk too if they showed up.

Speaking of milk, which is a food, the King set the price of a loaf of bread so money didn’t go crazy every time there was a shitty grain harvest. Unskilled work like internet writing paid a half-groat a day, which was about eight loaves of bread. Whoa, I better watch those carbs! (Hey guys, you can pay me in butter* from now on. The same work was worth about two pounds of butter.) A Lord would earn around one hundred thousand loaves of bread a year. Whoa, Lord, you better watch those carbs, also! A good diet and exercise plan is crucial to good lordery.

The book isn’t just baking and livestock, though. Games of the time are described. My favorite is ‘Hot Cockles’, a game where you close your eyes, lie on your friends’ laps, and one of them spanks you. If that doesn’t sound fun enough already, you get to guess which of them did it! Why don’t fraternities use Olde English letters instead of Greek ones?

This book be cool. And libraries are cool, too! Be like your Prez, do what he sez. RIF. This concludes my mandatory community service.

* Please don’t pay me in sheep butter

 

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