Movie Review: Beyond the Gates

VCRs weren’t that amazing. If the coolest thing about your 85-minute movie is a VCR with the top off fussing with a cassette, you have a problem.

This was sold to me as “Horror VCR Jumanji“. I don’t think I ever sat through all of Jumanji, because I don’t like computer-generated monkeys and Robin Williams makes me think about body hair too much. I know it’s about a board game, missing parent or parents, and, I dunno, animals and jungles and shit. Replace the body hair angle with various degrees of over- and under-acting and that’s pretty accurate. I bet something happens during the first 45 minutes of Jumanji, though.

In a movie about a game, I want the game to have rules that make some sort of sense. The game at the center of it makes a big point about how dumb the players are that they haven’t read the rules, but I can’t imagine them making much sense anyway. Roll dice for some reason, then one of the two characters off screen dies.

Beyond the Gates (2016) is currently up on Netflix. A sequel is in the works. I assume it will be about thirty-year-olds circle-jerking around a laserdisc player.

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